Jun 13

How X-Ray Cell Phones Change Jogging, Dating and Shopping!

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For years perverts have been putting special lenses on their infrared cameras and taking “X-Ray” pictures that turn out looking like garbage.  But now new cell phones will have a chip that will actually see through stuff, including my clothes!  Holy Crap!

Google “cellular phones x-ray chip” and you’ll see that I’m not making this up.   Basically, the gobbledegook science behind it is that it uses the ‘terahertz’ spectrum which is a light spectrum between infrared and microwaves, and the shit can see through walls, wood, plastic and my underwear!

Seeing it All!

Now don’t get me wrong, if I like you, I’ll show you what’s beneath my underwear, but we have to get along well first.  I at least want dinner  When I’m out jogging or shopping I don’t want my goods being flashed on someone’s cellular phone and messaged to their buddies or posted on the internet.

I suppose it might have it’s benefits for dating, let’s just say to know if I’m working with a “shower or a grower” right off that bat.  It could also prove helpful around Christmas time too.  And if Cracker Jacks still made prizes worth a Damn, someone could really score.

Now I’m not sure if I’m going to break out my VISA card right away purchase the latest Superman enabled phone.  But I know that plenty of people will, so I have to be prepared.

I wonder if I can get a sexy lead bra and panties at Victoria’s Secrets?

Jun 10

Putting SpamBots to Work for You?

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I want to thank the SpamBots for the kick-ass comments and messages left for me such as, “I was suggested this Blog by means of my cousin. I am not sure whether or not this publish is written by means of him as nobody else know such exact approximately my difficulty. You’re wonderful! Thanks!”  Another of my favorites is, “Many top-level players are generally speedy for you to Diablo Gold.”

Who doesn’t need more Diablo Gold?  You want to win my Heart?  Take this girl out for Crab and give her Diablo Gold.

The Freakin’ Bots are wicked tricky too.  To fool me they’ll Poop a little comment on my Blog and then they’ll come back an hour later and vary it up a little, “I was suggested this blog by means of my brother who like Diablo Silver.”  Clearly it makes the message Fresh by changing cousin to brother and gold to silver.  It’s like putting in a new Tampon on a Heavy day.  It’s almost as if a Human is interested in my Blog and melts my Heart.

So my question for Today is: How can I can get these ubiquitous Bots to do some shit that I actually need done around here?  Can you send some Bots by to rewire that outlet that doesn’t work?  How about a Bot to load dishes into my dishwasher?  I need a Bot to clean the bathroom and also to fold laundry.  Please, Please, Please make sure you send a Waterproof Bot.

While you’re at it, give me a couple of SexBots and program them so they don’t give me the Shit I get from real Boyfriends.

I look forward to all of the wonderful comments that I am sure to get like, “Your Inactive Ability sl0t machine games may discover from” and “Wizard  Medical professionals are mystical marvelous shamans.”

If I’m being read by any carbon based lifeforms, I would Adore a real comment.  Give me some Love please.  🙁

Jun 07

British Petroleum Cured My Crabs and I want $50,000!

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Tuesday’s blog (Groupon PoopOn) got me thinking about how hard it is to get a good crab dinner since BP dumped 4.9 million barrels of oil into the Gulf. This girl has been hankering crab since July 2010 and BP needs to pay.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m all about curing some bacon or fish after it’s dead, that shit makes it last a good long time and tastes Delish. But it sucks that BP marinated every single live crab in the Gulf Coast with 205 million gallons of crude oil.

 

Doctor Can You Cure Me?

I plan to live to be 95. So I figure BP owes me about 65 years of crab dinners, which I have calculated to be worth $50k. (Don’t even try to mess with my math here, I’ll kick your ass.)

While we’re at it, I also want $10k from McDonald’s over this McRib “limited time” crap that they do for the time in between McRib, because I never know when-the-Hell I’m going to be able to order it and it is causing me emotional anguish.

Also I am super-pissed that Borders closed and I need to figure out how much Amazon.com and Barnes and Nobles needs to send me to make that shit right. But that’s all I will say about that right now.

BP I expect my check later this week or you can just send me one of those per-paid VISA rebate cards with my $50k loaded on there. Be sure to wipe the oil off it first please.

 

Jun 05

FedEx is My New Stalker That Absolutely, Positively Won’t Be Here Overnight

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FedEx please stop calling and coming by.  It’s not you, it’s me.

(Maybe it’s you.)

A couple of weeks ago I had some shoes I’d bought online that were just perfect, except that they sucked.  So I had to send them back.

I checked the price for UPS (United Parcel Service)  and for USPS (the good ol’ post office) and it was going to cost about $15 to ship the pumps back to the website-shoe-people-bastards.  Now $15 is about 3 Starbucks  Cappuccinos and I was not wanting to spend more than 2 Cappuccinos to ship back these crappy shoes.

I remembered a girlfriend had told me that FedEx was  cheap, so I headed to FedEx’s website and lo and behold, they’d do it for $10, plus they’d pick then up for free too.  Happy Dance!   FedEx told me that the preferred thing to do before I did this shipment was open an account.  So I did.

(Insert Psycho theme music here.)

So it was done,  paid for the shipping with my credit card, printed my label and put in the cute little special instructions box that I’d leave it outside my side door for them.  “FedEx, I might see you again someday, but probably not too soon,” I thought.

I work the night-shift, so I sleep in the mornings.  But around 8am I got call from FedEx telling me that they were coming and welcoming me to FedEx.  Then around 9:30am a nice boy from FedEx was banging on my front door, because he didn’t understand that the package was at the side door.  We worked that out, the shoes were gone, and I figured now FedEx and I were finished for awhile.  I went back to sleep.

Around 10:45am, FedEx was back again banging on my front door.  They’d overnighted a “Welcome Kit” for me and needed me to have that right away.  I don’t know what is in it, because I haven’t opened it.  But unless it’s coupons for the 2 Cappuccinos I spent to ship the damned shoes back,  it’s probably less important to me than they think.  But I figured we were really done now.

And we were done, until 1:30pm when they called to welcome me to FedEx again.

Since then, over the last couple of weeks, I have been called 9 times to welcome me to FedEx.   Meanwhile, I got 2 more welcome kits, 1 was delivered by FedEx and another  sent by regular US mail.

Please FedEx, consider me welcomed to your shipping family and knock it off.  Next time I’ll just pay the extra $5 and get my shit there some other way.

Jun 01

Groupon PoopOn

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Who doesn’t want $60 for $30?  That’s free money.  It’s better than going out on a date, because this way I don’t have to put out.  But damned if any of the Groupons I did turned out like that.

First try at a Groupon was about a year ago, for a Chinese place that I hadn’t gone to awhile because they were overpriced and had gotten a little nasty.  But the Groupon said it was for double the money and that sounded like a good deal to me.  Looking at their website, I confirmed they had an “all you can eat crab” option for a little more, so basically the Groupon would cover the meal + the crab.  I checked their website to be sure, saw they still had crab offer and then ordered the Groupon.  Happy Dance!

But at the restaurant they told me, “No! No! No Crab anymore!”  When I went home I checked their website again, and they’d changed it after they sold the freakin’ Groupons!  Dayumn!

Strike 1 for Groupon.

I’m a forgiving kind of gal, so when I saw a Groupon for this chic  Mongolian restaurant where you take fresh ingredients, put them in a bowl and they stir fry them for you, they’d hooked me again.  They even described filling your bowl and getting it stir-fried on the the Groupon page.  Turned out though that people with Groupons don’t get to do the bowl shit.  They made up a special menu for Groupon people with prices 3 times the regular prices.

Strike 2 for Groupon.

It looks better online!

Then my next attempt was for a wash and wax on my car at a super-duper-Groupon price.  But after they got the money, bastards get saying they didn’t have the time on their schedule to come out and wash my freakin’ car.

Strike 3 for Groupon.

Now before you call me a sucker,  I have to let you know I”m a tough Bitch.  So you should know each time the Groupon turned out to be phoney, I called them on it and kept getting Groupon bucks back on my account.

So with the boo·koo-Groupon bucks I had in credit, I thought I’d give it one more shot.

A Groupon popped up for an “All you can Eat Crab” place so I thought I could finally get the crab I was owed.  Do I need to tell you what happened?   The Crab Special wasn’t included in the Groupon deal.  But you could get a “special. ” They had the same kind of “special” that the Mongolian place had — you could buy off the menu where they’d tripled the prices.

Strike 4 for Groupon.  Groupon you’re out + 1.

Anyone want some Groupon bucks?  I’ll make you a deal.