FedEx is My New Stalker That Absolutely, Positively Won’t Be Here Overnight

FedEx please stop calling and coming by.  It’s not you, it’s me.

(Maybe it’s you.)

A couple of weeks ago I had some shoes I’d bought online that were just perfect, except that they sucked.  So I had to send them back.

I checked the price for UPS (United Parcel Service)  and for USPS (the good ol’ post office) and it was going to cost about $15 to ship the pumps back to the website-shoe-people-bastards.  Now $15 is about 3 Starbucks  Cappuccinos and I was not wanting to spend more than 2 Cappuccinos to ship back these crappy shoes.

I remembered a girlfriend had told me that FedEx was  cheap, so I headed to FedEx’s website and lo and behold, they’d do it for $10, plus they’d pick then up for free too.  Happy Dance!   FedEx told me that the preferred thing to do before I did this shipment was open an account.  So I did.

(Insert Psycho theme music here.)

So it was done,  paid for the shipping with my credit card, printed my label and put in the cute little special instructions box that I’d leave it outside my side door for them.  “FedEx, I might see you again someday, but probably not too soon,” I thought.

I work the night-shift, so I sleep in the mornings.  But around 8am I got call from FedEx telling me that they were coming and welcoming me to FedEx.  Then around 9:30am a nice boy from FedEx was banging on my front door, because he didn’t understand that the package was at the side door.  We worked that out, the shoes were gone, and I figured now FedEx and I were finished for awhile.  I went back to sleep.

Around 10:45am, FedEx was back again banging on my front door.  They’d overnighted a “Welcome Kit” for me and needed me to have that right away.  I don’t know what is in it, because I haven’t opened it.  But unless it’s coupons for the 2 Cappuccinos I spent to ship the damned shoes back,  it’s probably less important to me than they think.  But I figured we were really done now.

And we were done, until 1:30pm when they called to welcome me to FedEx again.

Since then, over the last couple of weeks, I have been called 9 times to welcome me to FedEx.   Meanwhile, I got 2 more welcome kits, 1 was delivered by FedEx and another  sent by regular US mail.

Please FedEx, consider me welcomed to your shipping family and knock it off.  Next time I’ll just pay the extra $5 and get my shit there some other way.